Nothings Impossible

I don't know how to explain it perfectly or why I have turned into such a person that freely hangs her dirty laundry out for all to see time after time. I guess I came to a point of, well exhaustion two years ago. I was tired of doctors not having the right answers,friends the right words and me holding back the uncomfortable ones. I guess some people are born with this innate ability to be completely open and honest all the time. I wouldn't have described my character as such but I believe I have been reborn into such a characteristic. I find healing and comfort just getting it out and going deeper. Its hard first and then it gets harder then easier and then.... Its under my feet.

I believe I am supposed to be as open as I can be with my struggles and life because there are people I am helping and will be able to help.

I wish I could wipe the last couple years, especially last year, completely out of my memory bank. Looking back it seems like it went by so fast, but living through it I don't know how I made it. Depression is a very real thing that most don't like to speak about, and some don't even get the chance to. Depression Kills! Depression destroys, Depression lies, Depression has no hope, no friends (except anxiety) and Depression is my worst enemy.

I feel like I have finally climbed over the highest peek of my depression/anxiety but I haven't reached my summit yet. It sucks because when I finally feel like I have reached peace about something I sometimes struggle with it a week later or month. I like to think its God giving me a break or rest between battles, which I appreciate. However, I'M READY to be done with these feelings of abandonment, fear, trust, hate, anxiety, jealousy and envy. I'm ready to carry out my plan, the one God made and formed for my life before I was even a thought here on earth. The one that was made to bring me hope and a future, to not harm me. God hasn't forsaken me like he promised, but it sure does feel sometimes like he's not there.

Multiple people have told me to journal my experience and struggles to look for patterns and to have documents of my journey. I can't tell you how many "journals" I have started and lost. I'm just not a journal person. I guess its because a journal doesn't have spell check :-). But I am lucky I started this blog. Even though I haven't wrote everyday, I'm glad I wrote some. Because Its time to look back at my life and my struggles for the right reasons with the right attitude so I can become better equipped to look forward. As the lovey Beth Moore would say.

Most of what I am struggling with today is overcoming my adoption and miscarriage. I want to first start out by saying, I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I couldn't imagine having any other Mom, Dad or siblings than I do today. I'm beginning to see God's hand prints in every situation that has unfolded in my life just by looking back for the right reasons. I struggle with Abandonment issues, Trust issue, Fear issues, Jealousy issues, self image among others you will soon see unfold as I journey to put them under my feet. Everything that happened when I first arrived on this planet to now essentially has effected anything that has gone on in my life. But I'm stronger now for opening up and being honest at seeking help than I was a few years ago. I am still here today because I used my voice.

Its hard to leave your house, get out of bed, make plans to be with someone or do something when Depression tells you nobody cares. Let me tell you, THIS IS A LIE! even though its hard and even though everything in you will scream STAY IN BED, you need to get out of the house. You need to talk somebody, and I don't really care if its a tree. Just Talk! Talking and getting enough motivation to seek help is hard, Getting on medication and talking through your struggle is hardest. After that it gets easier then after that, my friend, its under your feet. I'm still waiting for it to be under my feet. :-)


God wants me to see, know and believe that prayer is more than just communication with my Abba father. Its the road to a victorious life in his kingdom on earth. That there should be no shame in prayer. He wants me to just release my death grip on life as I know it to be and let him in completely. I have to focus on my Abba father and not the 'laws' I've learned about him. He wants me to write down any question I have concerning anything and first go to him. If I do this I find I am fulfilled every time in that moment. We have to have a prayerful life because a prayer less life is a powerless life and standing up for faith will always coast us more than we are wanting to pay. Beth Moore told me that too often Christians have sought Jesus as Savior but ignored Him as deliverer! and I would have to say this is true. I knew Jesus, but I didn't trust he would have been able to get me here. Prayer has picked me back up and has given me the courage to tackle and overcome death.

I wrote a poem the other day that just sorta flowed right through me making me realize that sometimes "realization" about something doesn't fix the problem. I realized that the feelings I have about this goes much deeper and is more real than ever and they are some I still have to deal with.. Here's the poem

A little girl confused who to call Mom. Scared to be embarrassed by man. Hungry but nothing satisfies. New faces almost every day. Trust, love and acceptance these words were never found in her dictionary. Who will love a girl like me? Am I even worth knowing? I wish I could be invisible, just blend in with my surroundings... Then no one could ever hurt me, they couldn't even see me. Then again, that's most of what my life has been, before Christ reached out his hand..

I would be doing you a huge injustice if I didn't share the love of Jesus and the amazing truth about who he is... I'll start by telling you, If it wasn't for Him I wouldn't be here today. I can do nothing with out him... and I know he will get me through this and I know he created us to live and love in community. this is why its important to discuss your struggles because you don't always know who has or is going through similar things and what advice other people will have for you. Please feel free to leave me comments of encouragement or advice. If you are for some reason having a hard time leaving comments let me know.

Whatever you are going through, who ever you are I am here right there with you but more importantly, Christ is above all and it big and strong enough to wipe it all away.

Thanks for your support, I care for you.

Yes my shit stinks

I like to believe that everyone hits some really low, low points in their life's. Points that some people never come back from and for me, I fell into that low a couple months ago. There was nothing positive that entered my mind nor exited either. I do believe in Satan and believe that he had his highest reign and stronghold on my life in those moments. I would be lying to you if I said he didn't have some control over my life, thoughts and actions now. There is nothing easy about exiting a fantasy life and being faced with reality, and for each person that fantasy and reality looks different. For me, I've spent the majority of my life building walls. I couldn't allow myself to get close to anyone. I didn't want another person to reject me, disappoint me,let me down, fail me, abandon me, Short change me, make me feel unworthy, left alone, allow me to feel not good enough and unloved. So, unknowingly I took advantage of everyone that came into my life. I walked around with this chip on my shoulder and revenge in my heart and everything I didn't want happening to me, I realized that I made the people who truly loved me the most feel all those things.

When my eyes where finally opened, some months ago, a new pain entered my life. I realized that the destroyed became the destroyer and I don't think I can ever verbally express the pain received from both extremes. Evil had finally taken over my life and I was in turmoil. I will argue that mental pain is harder and hurts much, much more than physical pain. I hurt the person I love the most and broke down the best friend I ever had because I gave into the lies. I cannot express more how truly, truly sorry I am for my actions. I can't take anything back and I can't change the events of time either, Oh how I wish I could.

Here's the thing, I can't move forward if I can't let go. I will always feel this regret and pain if I can't forgive myself. Same is true for those who've done me wrong. The truth is, we are all human and all our shit stinks :-). On occasion we will meet people who share the same poo as us and those who think their poop smells worse. To our creator, all our crap smells like roses.

I am so thankful for second chances. I'm able to make things right and be the person I know I am and should have been all along. If your reading this and someone stands out in your mind, don't turn your head down to second chances.... You never know when you might want one.

I love each and every one of you... Your are very special to me

I hate these motions....

If there is someone I would like to be more like, I think it would be Job. I can barely keep my head above water and he didn't break. I'm beginning to doubt, my strength is diminishing and I don't know what or rather how to pray anymore. I'm fighting back tears every second of the day, I'm so frustrated. Why is it taking so long? Is it patience he is testing? He told me he wouldn't give me more than I couldn't handle, So why do I feel like he is? All I want to do Is live for him but I don't feel him. I feel like he has left, could this be true? What more can I do? I am so lost..... I think I should write a list of everything I should be happy about. Hopefully looking at this list will help me feel better.

Things to be happy about:

1) My daughter, She is healthy and here with me.

2) My husband

3) We have a safe house in a safe neighborhood

4) We have a church home

5) working towards life time friends

6) A Dad that loves me

7) A Mom that cares

8) I'm alive

9) Salvation

10) New car



Why they aren't making me happy:

1) I feel like she is bored, I wanna be the best I can be but I think I'm far from that. She wont listen to me

2) I'm finding it hard to get along with him right now. I know he loves me, but Satan has somehow convinced both of us that we are against each other. We can't stop arguing because the other has to be right or is to stubborn to quit.

3) All I ever do is stare at these four walls and it depresses me. I have no energy to get out and do something, or clean most days. I have to constantly ask for help, but I end up doing most of the work. I feel defeated when the mess becomes to much for me to handle alone.

4) Well I love my church, I just hate as soon as I walk out the doors Satan is waiting.

5) I feel like we all want the same things, but nothing is happening. I have been praying for friends for 3 years now and although we have some, I just miss my best friends. I miss being able to feel free to say anything and know she/he understood. I miss being like sisters, I miss everything about the closeness of a friend. Why does it have to be so hard as an adult. I want that kind of friend again

6) I'm still so shy to embrace him, I just wanna be a kid again and spend hours taking to him but I'm still afraid for some reason. It is hard to explain, I think its a feeling that has followed me through my life.

7) She has 24 peoples problems to juggle, I feel like a burden

8) I feel like CRAPOLA!!!!!!!!! I feel like death

9) this is my biggest disappointment, every time I think I'm on the right track and I feel My Fathers presence ever so nearly, by the next day I don't know where he went.

10) I like it so much and its so convenient but its only material



I just can't find the joy anymore. I don't know if my expectations are too high, but I know I'm not even close to half of what I would like to be. What can I do? What should I do? God you told me to take the Jonah challenge, and now what? I'm so lost, hurt, sad and mad. I can't breath and I try to talk to you, but your not there. Where did you go? This is too much lord, did you hear me??? this is too much, back off. I can't push myself anymore, I need you to make it easier. With out you, I'm nothing and I'm holding onto a little hope that you are there. Just say the word and I will be healed


I want to smile again, laugh again, feel free again, be the life of the party again, be more compassionate with my family. I want to feel that Kayla knows I love her more than anything on this earth. I want to be the couple everyone envy's, I want to shine brighter than the brightest stare you've seen.


Lord help me i'm lost for words.... I have little hope and I ask you to take this hope and mold it into something wonderful. Take this life and change it, Move this mountain lord... You are mighty to save, I believe and the sun aint shinning. Take the heaviness away from my chest, lift my spirits.

Please pray for me

Journey Together, Love Jesus, Bring hope to the world

Screaming from somewhere With-in

Not one day is the same, every morning I wake up I feel differently than the day before. As I wrote that I got this thought, Every day is changing, every emotion and feeling. I go to bed knowing tomorrow is going to be different, but I'm not afraid anymore. Could it be that I have finally completely given my fear of change to God? I see it getting easier and easier as I wake up to a new morning. I think that's how its supposed to be, I think God is constantly creating new days for us while we sleep. After all we wake up to a brand new day each day we get the privilege to see another one. God is constantly at work in this world and in each individuals life with-in it. This blows my mind just thinking about how powerful and big God is, and I all to often put him in this little box forgetting about his power.

I started writing this post because I'm still dying inside, Its just the weirdest feeling and that's the only way I know how to explain it. I feel okay, happy maybe or if I could say normal I would but I know normal comes in all different colors and sizes. But I still have no energy, I forget things the moment I set them down, I have to force myself to do anything. I know some of you might say, "well thats normal" my response to that is, yes this is normal every once in a while but not every single day. It feels so weird because I feel like my heart and mind are having an argument. My heart (keeper of my emotions) wants to play and be giddy, but my mind doesn't know how to keep up. I feel like I'm trapped inside this happy shell screaming from somewhere deep with-in. Whelp all I can say is because I'm only man I don't understand but God has to know so take it God, Erase these thoughts from my head and heal this broken body.

I have to acknowledge God by:

1) Listening to him, this means that I have to be quiet and like some commentary's would say- SHUT UP.
2) Depend on Him, I have to depend on him and hand what ever is bothering me over to him. Sit back and watch things happen
3) Give Glory to Him, (1 Chronicle's 16:29) Worship the Lord with ALL your heart. Basically "Dance like no one is watching."
4) Focus on the If- cause if God isn't doing it Good Luck

On Sunday the speaker gave a Formula and I would like to share it with you-

If God Doesn't (fill in the blank)

Then I might as well (Fill in the blank)

For an example this would be one of mine.

If God doesn't give me energy and a kind heart,
Then I might as well do nothing all day, complain and be the biggest jerk alive.

Living like this only show's how hopeless and selfish I am. I can't throw an adult fit every time I feel like God isn't doing something. This should be my response...


If God doesn't give me energy and a Kind heart,
Then I must praise him anyway and keep asking him to teach me how to have these things and Know that he will come through.

I have to drop my name completely and this doesn't mean I have to change my name to something else or request that people not call me Tiffany. This means that I have to completely get rid of my selfish ways, I have to completely rely on God to do everything in my life. This means I have to trust that he is working in my life as well as my family's.

If GOD then just don't worry about it!

Jesus I thank you for who you are, I know you are working in my life and I am so blessed by you. I don't deserve anything from you but you give it to me anyways. So Lord, I want to remind you that this life is yours, My WHOLE heart is yours Lord. Please take it and use it for your glory. Lord You know I have doubts and I worry way too much, I want to give that to you today and I ask that you change my thinking and give my patients. I love you so much, thank you for staying by my side.

Live in Community, Love Jesus, Bring Hope to the World

I will Continue to BELIEVE!!!

"How long will my prayers seem unanswered? Is there still faith for me to reach the end? I'm feeling down I'm losing Faith, But giving up will cost me EVERYTHING! So I'll stand in the pain, In the silence and I'll speak to the dark night... I BELIEVE in the sun even when its not shining, I BELIEVE in love even when I don't feel it and I BELIEVE in GOD even when He is silent and I, I believe!!!!"

For the past two weeks I have been failing, shutting down and I have had little faith and hope to make i t through the day. I have literally been in a battle for my life and there have been many tears and feelings of defeat. However I still have some faith and God says that even with faith the size of a mustard seed I can move mountains and that's exactly what I have been doing. It has been so hard for me to open my Bible and study but I wasn't going to let that stop me from talking and praising God, Instead I made a point to have music on during the day to lift my spirits and praise God so I can remember that God has never left me, He still loves me and He is hurting for me like a parent would hurt for their suffering child. The attached song has gotten me by the past week, I have played it constantly just to remind myself that I STILL BELIEVE and that even when I feel like my cry's for healing are going unanswered I WILL STILL BELIEVE and I will make it through this.

How am I feeling now? Well I am okay some days, Happy every other day and REALLY happy once in a while. I am so thankful that I am finally beginning to feel happy again, actually I am beginning to feel things I can't remember when the last time I felt them was. But I am so frustrated because I still have NO focus and I am forgetting EVERYTHING! This is especially hard when I have in my possession a card linked directly to my bank account and Keys that start my car and the list goes on. I know that I am dealing with ADHD and it is so frustrating that it is not being treated right now, But with that being said I have to continuously give this frustration to God because I know that right now we are dealing with the "major" issue, Like my friend told me last night depression can kill me ADHD can't. So I will press on knowing that God has a plan and he writes my days so I better trust in him.

Today at church we had the privilege to have Michael Smally preach and surprisingly, but not really surprisingly, He spoke exactly what I wrote about in my "Not my Name Jesus." post. He even used the Ecclesiastes verses I used. I took this a God telling me directly to my face to remember that I have nothing to do with what the outcome will be, but that I need to forget about me trying to fix things and completely trust that God will do everything for me and all I have to do is listen and follow. Constantly this week I have been crying for God to take this life this situation and lead me, Because of this I have seen improvement and progress and my faith is getting stronger. I will continue to believe and trust in God because I want to do his will and not mine.

Anything God says will be done, Nothing is too small or big for God to overcome and I don't know about you, but as for me I am putting my life in his hands. Wednesday I had my follow up appointment with my Doctor, I prayed all the way to the appointment and as I walked up to the door leading into his office. Unlike the previous week his office staff were so nice and uplifting. I didn't have to wait long at all and When my name was called back, also unlike the previous week, my doctor was to very nice and uplifting. We talked and he did his thing and I left. As I headed to my moms house to pick up The Bear I thanked God for meeting with me during the appointment and Being such and amazing God. I began to praise him and as I turned onto woodlands pkwy I noticed a cluster of Grey clouds but it wasn't the fact that the clouds were Grey that caught my attention. When I looked up what I saw I will never forget, In the middle of this Grey cloud there was light shinning around a very white perfectly shaped heart :-). Seeing this just took my breath away, I KNOW that God was saying he loved me and was very proud of me, he was reminding me that I am dear to his heart and he is with me. As I drove further down the pkwy and was getting closer to passing the cloud it started to vanish, My God sent me a Love note. Little things like this could easily be passed up if one wasn't listening and looking for God to speak to them. I can't imagine loving his less, I love the way he holds me and I just can't live with out him.

This life I am living is for God and God alone! Nothing I ever do is because I had enough strength or energy to do it, each day progress is made its because GOD is giving me that strength and everything I live for and want is to live this life for Jesus Christ. I hope when you look at me, you see Jesus.

Everything is a process and its because God's timing is perfect. God is NEVER late He is always on time, Although he has many opportunities to show up early lol he is always on time.

I Love you Jesus, I am so in love with you and I thank you for your timing and blessings. Even though I walk through the Vally of Death, I fear no evil for I know you are with me Lord Jesus. I owe you everything Jesus so take this heart of mine and Use it for your Kingdom. Thank you for taking the fall for my sins, Let me never forget the price that was paid for my salvation Lord. I will never forget your broken body and the blood that was shed to wash my sins white as snow. Lord take this life, I offer you my whole heart and I will follow you all the days of my life. Amen

Journey Together, Love Jesus, Bring Hope to the World...

Depression! Just Diagnosed

To my readers, I have to apologize for not being able to keep up with my posts lately. The truth is I haven't been in the word lately and haven't been in constant prayer either about why.


Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods. True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

As I have been being honest with myself and who I really am while uncovering feelings I thought were long gone, I have been falling deeper and deeper into depression. I know I can't help what has happened and I have forgiven my past and failures, The only thing that was left was this demon that has cast a huge shadow over my life and happiness. For the past couple months but really intensely the past couple weeks I have been battling with my emotions. There have been days where I literally haven't been able to get out of bed and NOTHING kills a mother more than the feeling of being completely hopeless and Useless to her babies! After a couple ruff days I was finally able to mustard up enough energy to get in touch with a doctor and I have been "Diagnosed" with Major Depression (single episode) Disorder. How am I feeling? Well Sad all the time, I want to cry for no reason at all, No amount of sleep is ever enough and I can't even get out of bed in the mornings without a fight, I have ZERO energy and no desire to complete any task. I look around and I can't help but to feel like a huge disappointment for not being able to accomplish anything. I yell at my husband CONSTANTLY and it hurts so bad because I cant control it ya'll.

Today is day 6 of being on my new medication and I am starting to feel small very small shreds of heaviness being lifted off me. I am able to wake up in the mornings now without much of a fight and I can get through my days with minimal pain. I'm holding onto hope and I know one day, this will be lifted and I can shine bright again.

Sunday Chris and I went up and asked for prayer, Which was kinda awkward because it was our first time to ask but I'm glad we did. The elder prayed over me, anointing me and explained that I have been "Just Diagnosed" with depression, I don't HAVE depression and it will be lifted. It was so weird because as he was praying over me I felt as if something way being ripped from my body, almost like you see in the animated movies, and I felt so much better through the day. I have the best support right now from my Husband, Family and Friends and I could ask for a better group of people. God is IN control and His hand is in this situation and I will be VICTORIOUS.


"Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the Morning bring me word of your unfailing love, For I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life' in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. in your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant." Amen, Psalms 143:7-12

Journey Together, Love Jesus, Bring hope to the World!

How is your Heart?

How is your Heart?
Yesterday night I was able to attend a Beth Moore Bible study called Wishing up. It is much different than a normal study by Beth Moore because there is no homework to be done. I missed last weeks study, but thankfully some of my friends caught me up on it. I knew this was going to be a hard study to take part in, and I knew I had to go.

Lately I had been complaining about being so tired of being tired, and not having any answers our explanations for anything. I have been on this emotional whirlwind of a journey for the past month or so, and it had just about claimed insanity over me. I didn't know what this bible study was going to be about, and truthfully I had no idea my church was hosting another one until my friend asked if I was going to go. Unfortunately, like I mentioned before I was unable to attend the first meeting but my girlfriends informed me that this study would be perfect for me.

The study topic was: The Heart of Wisdom, and I just have to share with you all what I was able to get from the study last night.

I think Beth Moore is keeping us mainly in Proverbs as we embark on this 6 week study. Just like she said last night, I will warn all my readers of this.... "God has come to mess with us today!" This was not easy information for me to receive, and I pray that God will guide my every key stroke so that I may pass on the same message to you all from my perspective.

Beth Moore starts out with a little factoid, "The Book of Proverbs uses the word "heart" 75 times." Since there are only 31 chapters in the book of Proverbs this tells me that there must be something important that I should learn about my heart. She goes on to say that in Proverbs 4:23 it explains the absolute priority attention the heart is to receive over all other human faculties. You know, I have always grown up with people saying, "you have to protect your heart.", "You can't trust your heart." or "Your heart is the master deceiver." well, La da da de do! my response, often not verbalized, was always "Why do you care?", "It's not your heart, so let me do with it what I want since it is mine after all." But as life progressed for me, I soon began to realize just how important my heart was. After many heartaches and hurt to disappointment and depression, I started to realize that my heart just may be the keeper of my emotions.

Well I can tell you, This study was not peaches and cream for me. It was a huge eye opener and will be a huge challenge for me to completely understand and apply it to my life. Proverbs 4:23 says, Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

This means, that I must guard my heart with passion because everything I take in comes out through my heart. Beth made a point to say that our hearts can be a powerful toll against the darkness, but unguarded Satan has the power to manipulate and use my heart in wrong ways. I realized that I have been protecting my heart for a very long time, but not like it is mentioned in Proverbs rather I have been protecting it from everything and that includes God. He already knows my heart, But what about me? How well do I know my heart? *gasp* When this questioned was asked, I became paralyzed in my seat. I thought I knew my heart, It's definitely a crazy one but could it actually be that I don't really understand my heart? I don't think Beth is very far behind with this question.

Its interesting how the Bible and some commentary's describe the heart. "Biblically speaking, the heart is "the seat of intentions, thoughts, and emotions" and serves "as the control for the rest of human anatomy." the commentary calls it "the seat of [Tiffany Morans] dearest treasure."

WOW, so if this is true my heart is really the thing that controls most of my every actions. My heart tells my mouth how to speak and body to react and it is the thrown that holds onto my dearest treasures! My heart is one powerful thing, and I honestly don't know how to control it at this point. Its funny because I have mentioned that my emotions are to strong and I am weak to its power. Its no wonder why either, I would say I have to first understand my heart not try to figure out why my emotions are crazy. It's not a mental disorder, its a heart disorder.

I took away with the understanding that ALL wisdom and ALL folly reside in the heart. So what am I guarding my heart from? Wisdom or Folly? I want to guard it from folly and all evil and guard all pure things with-in it. I learned that Wisdom comes from the heart, That it is the only place open for God to pass through us. The thing that hit the most was, God cannot use me or offer me any wisdom if my heart is not completely his. I can't say to him, "Here God, you can have everything my heart has to offer but not my fear of change, God, I don't trust anybody with that." If even the smallest thing is guarded from God, He will not be able to pass through your heart. The Bible says, God searches the world daily for just one willing heart offered to him completely. I really want to give God my heart, and I really want to have wisdom but I'm not sure I'm willing to completely give it away and hold on to nothing. Are you? If you are, or have please share some of that wisdom with me.

I possess nothing any deeper or greater than my Heart, This means that my Heart is a very dangerous thing. But If Applied right, it is a very dangerous thing to Satan. A Guarded heart for Christ will protect you completely from Satan, He will no longer be able to use me or get to me any longer if my heart is applied the right way. God is asking me to trust him with my heart, So why is it so hard?

I learned that I have all of these types of Hearts;

1.) Anxious heart
2.)Isolated heart
3.)Hope-sick heart
4.)Hardened heart

I know exactly when I start to feel anxiety come over me and when it does I explode like a vicious volcano looking to destroy what ever is in its path. I get Anxiety when my husband, friends or parents do not understand me but I want so desperately for them to. Or when things aren't going exactly how I want them to, or when I'm just flat out overwhelmed.

Something that struck me hard was, I have anxiety issues and it holds me down. Every time I give into my anxiety, I bow down bow down to it like prisoners before their captain. It all just boils down to me just flat out having an obedience problem. All anxiety is rooted in Control, And I desperate want to feel like I have control over everything. But I am SINNING if I continue to live like this, because God say's not to worry or be anxious because he is in control. He tells us to pray over being anxious, Not so that we can have it but that when ever I do feel anxious I would bow down to HIM instead of ANXIETY... 1 Peter 5:7 says, Cast on our anxiety on Christ, the moment you feel it throw it to him. This means that even if I began to look like a schizophrenic person because I am crying out loud to God every time I feel anxiety just throwing on him, because I feel anxiety about every 10 minutes of the day, then so be it! Anxiety turns into fear as soon as we realize we don't have control over something. Let me tell you, I want NOTHING to do with my anxiety anymore, and I must say "This is yours God, you are in control of this." And further more, Manipulation is control just another way of it.


I have an Isolated heat, because Not one person truly can understand what I am going through. You could take two people with the same issue but they will process it very differently emotionally. There are certain things that I just wont ever be able to make clear to other people.

I have a Hope-sick heart because I am a jealous person. I can't tell you how many times I've just thrown my hands up in the air proclaimed that I'm DONE or that I wont pray for that issue anymore, Its just useless or even I can't believe that they got this and I have been wanting that for the longest time!!! doing this only show's how "hopeless' I am.

I have a Hardened heart because I cut people out of my life or certain things I'm not willing to hear. The cold hard truth is, Every time I say, "I don't care" or cut myself out to someone, I have just committed murder! Any one who hates is a murderer according to the Bible, acting like you don't care is murder. I am guilty of committing emotional murder daily!

I have to Guard my heart like a prisoner chained to the wrist of Christ. Nothing is more foolish that a hard heart. Not with holding one thing, I have to bring my whole heart to Christ, because he can only work with all of it.

Once I am able to do this, He will show me the power to overcome the Devil!!! This is all I ever want.

I am daily working on all of these issues, but its not going to be an easy one. However I am more aware of everything mentioned and I hope through the years I will become much stronger.

Thank you Lord for bringing this information to my ears, You know just how hard it is going to be for me and I thank you for your patience. Please continue to lead me in the right direction. Amen

Journey Together,Love Jesus, Bring Hope to the World

God Bless you