Confused and Lost

I have never been that great with writing or had a driving passion for blogging. So why am I starting this blog? Well for two reasons really, for one I have ADD and I feel like being able to keep up with this blog might be a BIG help for me being able to keep up and organized with life. Most importantly, I feel like God is calling me to start this blog so that people know that they are not alone and our struggles really aren't that different. I've started two blogs prior to this one and they've always tragically ended after a couple days. I have faith that the same outcome will not happen it this blogs case.

Who am I? I feel like I'm constantly asking that question. I'm not exactly sure If I know who I am, or what my purpose is. Why was I placed on this earth? Is there really something huge that I'm supposed to accomplish in this life? I guess my problem here is that I want to have all the answers, but what if I did? Would I be any happier? Would I then feel like life is complete?

I've struggled my whole life with change. I was born into a incompatible situation to drug and sex addicted parents. I was the third child to be born to my parents and we're all about two years apart. Unfortunately for my brother and sister, they had four and two years of abuse and neglect on me. They were in bad shape and sadly for me, that would be my story for the next 3 years of my life. According the the 'documents" I was never at one place for to long, always being passed around from one relative to another and never being together for longer than a week, at times, with my brother and sister. It was Man who damaged me the most. On one account, my mother who was separated from my father and living with her also drug addicted boyfriend had me in their possession. This man wanted nothing to do with my siblings let alone me. His every desire or want included him being completely messed up on drugs, having my mom in the same state and to have sex whenever he wanted it. So of course there could be no distractions or room for whining kids in his plan. He hated when I cried in fact he hated it so much that whenever I would cry he'd walk over grab my ankles and swing me around several times hitting me against the wall until my cry's could no longer be heard. Where was my mom? isn't a mother supposed to protect her children? Well not my mom, she was always to high or drunk to have a conscience let alone stand up for me. I've struggled my whole life with men, from being completely scared of them to feeling like a huge constant disappointment never being able to be what they want or desire. How is that fair? Why me? Why my mom? Where was God?... I try not to think about this, but the truth is it's apart of me of who I am, and I can never escape it. I can't tell you how many times these questions flowed through my mind like a wild spring flows through the Vally. I have been so angry with God for so long, So angry with my life my situation that I can't remember when it started to become numb to me. Why me God? Why did it have to be me, why do I constantly day dream about this perfect life involving parents who look like me, brothers and sisters who are my blood? I didn't sign up for this life and I didn't have a choice in any of it......

Taking this account and fast forwarding to today I am 24 years of age and Married. Together, my husband and I have a 2 year old daughter. Guess what? I still feel like a big disappointment to man especially my husband. But whats worse is, I can't escape the biological thread that links me to the mother who stood by watching while her infant daughter was beaten to silence all because of her cry's for her mom, for attention and for food. The biological personality and abuse accrued completely terrifies me of the mother I may be towards my own daughter. through the years leading up to today, and little by little my story will unfold, I have put away, banned, completely outlawed my hurt, disappointment and depression and numbed myself completely to its hurt. For years I fronted emotions and acted like the person I thought I felt the world wanted to see. Because of this and of recent events, I have found me to be an extremely depressed and emotional person in need of serious counseling and an undying love and acceptance from something or someone bigger than me. I have been for years leaning on other people especially my husband and doctors for answers and feel good solutions. Even though the "solutions" have helped out and changed the outcome of situations in one way or another, they have always only been temporary fixes. However, the one thing I have found to be completely constant is being able to find that refuge in Christ Jesus, my Lord.

Not only do I not handle change well or feel accepted and praised by man, I have the hardest time trusting in anything or anyone but myself. You could imagine then, having to put my faith and trust in a man that I can not see or touch and walking blindly in the direction of His calling is extremely hard and almost undoubtedly impossible for someone like me. Well to be completely honest, It isn't easy for me. It has to be a daily surrender on my behalf otherwise it will never be done.

I'm confused because I feel like I am trying but getting no where. I'm sick of feeling exhausted, beaten, let down, being a constant disappointment and being completely lost. Surprisingly I will continue to press on putting my faith and trust in a man that promises me salvation and peace in his arms. Ahhhh, peace in His arms, those few words put in that sentence have a greater meaning to me behind it all. He promises that through him, I will struggle with this no longer.

It never fails to amaze me just what God will show me if my heart is willing to hear from Him. During my quiet time today Christ met with me and led me to proverbs 31: 10-31. In Proverbs 31:10-31 it talks about The Woman Who Fears the Lord. It talks about all of the qualities a Godly woman/wife/mother should posses. At this point, I don't believe I honestly portray any of these characteristics but want so desperately to achieve such a personality. "In the ESV translation it defines the mention of a woman who fears the Lord at the end of the long list of excellent qualities to bring back the theme of the book of Proverbs stated in 1:7. It reminds readers that this woman excels in her fear of the Lord, and therefore that she is a model of the character traits and wisdom taught throughout the book's 31 chapters. The appearance of this woman's fear of the Lord at the end of this list is also a reminder that this quality is more important that even great skill and talent, and is foundational to the wise and right use of all activities and skills. A godly woman may well have outward charm and beauty, but these are of secondary importance to her godliness."

This will undoubtedly prove to be a hard process of getting rid of me and being transformed in Christ. Being honest with myself and my past allowing forgiveness and healing to take place will have to be the first step. You can't know where your going, If you don't know where you've been.

Today, my faith and trust is in the Lord. My prayer is that of forgiveness and healing for the situation I mentioned earlier so that I may be able to move forward with more trust and the ability to accept change. I pray that I learn to respect my Husband as he should be and become the woman, wife and mother God has appointed me to be.

Our Mission statement: Journey together, Love Jesus, Bring Hope.

God Bless you