Nothings Impossible

I don't know how to explain it perfectly or why I have turned into such a person that freely hangs her dirty laundry out for all to see time after time. I guess I came to a point of, well exhaustion two years ago. I was tired of doctors not having the right answers,friends the right words and me holding back the uncomfortable ones. I guess some people are born with this innate ability to be completely open and honest all the time. I wouldn't have described my character as such but I believe I have been reborn into such a characteristic. I find healing and comfort just getting it out and going deeper. Its hard first and then it gets harder then easier and then.... Its under my feet.

I believe I am supposed to be as open as I can be with my struggles and life because there are people I am helping and will be able to help.

I wish I could wipe the last couple years, especially last year, completely out of my memory bank. Looking back it seems like it went by so fast, but living through it I don't know how I made it. Depression is a very real thing that most don't like to speak about, and some don't even get the chance to. Depression Kills! Depression destroys, Depression lies, Depression has no hope, no friends (except anxiety) and Depression is my worst enemy.

I feel like I have finally climbed over the highest peek of my depression/anxiety but I haven't reached my summit yet. It sucks because when I finally feel like I have reached peace about something I sometimes struggle with it a week later or month. I like to think its God giving me a break or rest between battles, which I appreciate. However, I'M READY to be done with these feelings of abandonment, fear, trust, hate, anxiety, jealousy and envy. I'm ready to carry out my plan, the one God made and formed for my life before I was even a thought here on earth. The one that was made to bring me hope and a future, to not harm me. God hasn't forsaken me like he promised, but it sure does feel sometimes like he's not there.

Multiple people have told me to journal my experience and struggles to look for patterns and to have documents of my journey. I can't tell you how many "journals" I have started and lost. I'm just not a journal person. I guess its because a journal doesn't have spell check :-). But I am lucky I started this blog. Even though I haven't wrote everyday, I'm glad I wrote some. Because Its time to look back at my life and my struggles for the right reasons with the right attitude so I can become better equipped to look forward. As the lovey Beth Moore would say.

Most of what I am struggling with today is overcoming my adoption and miscarriage. I want to first start out by saying, I couldn't imagine my life any other way. I couldn't imagine having any other Mom, Dad or siblings than I do today. I'm beginning to see God's hand prints in every situation that has unfolded in my life just by looking back for the right reasons. I struggle with Abandonment issues, Trust issue, Fear issues, Jealousy issues, self image among others you will soon see unfold as I journey to put them under my feet. Everything that happened when I first arrived on this planet to now essentially has effected anything that has gone on in my life. But I'm stronger now for opening up and being honest at seeking help than I was a few years ago. I am still here today because I used my voice.

Its hard to leave your house, get out of bed, make plans to be with someone or do something when Depression tells you nobody cares. Let me tell you, THIS IS A LIE! even though its hard and even though everything in you will scream STAY IN BED, you need to get out of the house. You need to talk somebody, and I don't really care if its a tree. Just Talk! Talking and getting enough motivation to seek help is hard, Getting on medication and talking through your struggle is hardest. After that it gets easier then after that, my friend, its under your feet. I'm still waiting for it to be under my feet. :-)


God wants me to see, know and believe that prayer is more than just communication with my Abba father. Its the road to a victorious life in his kingdom on earth. That there should be no shame in prayer. He wants me to just release my death grip on life as I know it to be and let him in completely. I have to focus on my Abba father and not the 'laws' I've learned about him. He wants me to write down any question I have concerning anything and first go to him. If I do this I find I am fulfilled every time in that moment. We have to have a prayerful life because a prayer less life is a powerless life and standing up for faith will always coast us more than we are wanting to pay. Beth Moore told me that too often Christians have sought Jesus as Savior but ignored Him as deliverer! and I would have to say this is true. I knew Jesus, but I didn't trust he would have been able to get me here. Prayer has picked me back up and has given me the courage to tackle and overcome death.

I wrote a poem the other day that just sorta flowed right through me making me realize that sometimes "realization" about something doesn't fix the problem. I realized that the feelings I have about this goes much deeper and is more real than ever and they are some I still have to deal with.. Here's the poem

A little girl confused who to call Mom. Scared to be embarrassed by man. Hungry but nothing satisfies. New faces almost every day. Trust, love and acceptance these words were never found in her dictionary. Who will love a girl like me? Am I even worth knowing? I wish I could be invisible, just blend in with my surroundings... Then no one could ever hurt me, they couldn't even see me. Then again, that's most of what my life has been, before Christ reached out his hand..

I would be doing you a huge injustice if I didn't share the love of Jesus and the amazing truth about who he is... I'll start by telling you, If it wasn't for Him I wouldn't be here today. I can do nothing with out him... and I know he will get me through this and I know he created us to live and love in community. this is why its important to discuss your struggles because you don't always know who has or is going through similar things and what advice other people will have for you. Please feel free to leave me comments of encouragement or advice. If you are for some reason having a hard time leaving comments let me know.

Whatever you are going through, who ever you are I am here right there with you but more importantly, Christ is above all and it big and strong enough to wipe it all away.

Thanks for your support, I care for you.