Yes my shit stinks

I like to believe that everyone hits some really low, low points in their life's. Points that some people never come back from and for me, I fell into that low a couple months ago. There was nothing positive that entered my mind nor exited either. I do believe in Satan and believe that he had his highest reign and stronghold on my life in those moments. I would be lying to you if I said he didn't have some control over my life, thoughts and actions now. There is nothing easy about exiting a fantasy life and being faced with reality, and for each person that fantasy and reality looks different. For me, I've spent the majority of my life building walls. I couldn't allow myself to get close to anyone. I didn't want another person to reject me, disappoint me,let me down, fail me, abandon me, Short change me, make me feel unworthy, left alone, allow me to feel not good enough and unloved. So, unknowingly I took advantage of everyone that came into my life. I walked around with this chip on my shoulder and revenge in my heart and everything I didn't want happening to me, I realized that I made the people who truly loved me the most feel all those things.

When my eyes where finally opened, some months ago, a new pain entered my life. I realized that the destroyed became the destroyer and I don't think I can ever verbally express the pain received from both extremes. Evil had finally taken over my life and I was in turmoil. I will argue that mental pain is harder and hurts much, much more than physical pain. I hurt the person I love the most and broke down the best friend I ever had because I gave into the lies. I cannot express more how truly, truly sorry I am for my actions. I can't take anything back and I can't change the events of time either, Oh how I wish I could.

Here's the thing, I can't move forward if I can't let go. I will always feel this regret and pain if I can't forgive myself. Same is true for those who've done me wrong. The truth is, we are all human and all our shit stinks :-). On occasion we will meet people who share the same poo as us and those who think their poop smells worse. To our creator, all our crap smells like roses.

I am so thankful for second chances. I'm able to make things right and be the person I know I am and should have been all along. If your reading this and someone stands out in your mind, don't turn your head down to second chances.... You never know when you might want one.

I love each and every one of you... Your are very special to me

I hate these motions....

If there is someone I would like to be more like, I think it would be Job. I can barely keep my head above water and he didn't break. I'm beginning to doubt, my strength is diminishing and I don't know what or rather how to pray anymore. I'm fighting back tears every second of the day, I'm so frustrated. Why is it taking so long? Is it patience he is testing? He told me he wouldn't give me more than I couldn't handle, So why do I feel like he is? All I want to do Is live for him but I don't feel him. I feel like he has left, could this be true? What more can I do? I am so lost..... I think I should write a list of everything I should be happy about. Hopefully looking at this list will help me feel better.

Things to be happy about:

1) My daughter, She is healthy and here with me.

2) My husband

3) We have a safe house in a safe neighborhood

4) We have a church home

5) working towards life time friends

6) A Dad that loves me

7) A Mom that cares

8) I'm alive

9) Salvation

10) New car



Why they aren't making me happy:

1) I feel like she is bored, I wanna be the best I can be but I think I'm far from that. She wont listen to me

2) I'm finding it hard to get along with him right now. I know he loves me, but Satan has somehow convinced both of us that we are against each other. We can't stop arguing because the other has to be right or is to stubborn to quit.

3) All I ever do is stare at these four walls and it depresses me. I have no energy to get out and do something, or clean most days. I have to constantly ask for help, but I end up doing most of the work. I feel defeated when the mess becomes to much for me to handle alone.

4) Well I love my church, I just hate as soon as I walk out the doors Satan is waiting.

5) I feel like we all want the same things, but nothing is happening. I have been praying for friends for 3 years now and although we have some, I just miss my best friends. I miss being able to feel free to say anything and know she/he understood. I miss being like sisters, I miss everything about the closeness of a friend. Why does it have to be so hard as an adult. I want that kind of friend again

6) I'm still so shy to embrace him, I just wanna be a kid again and spend hours taking to him but I'm still afraid for some reason. It is hard to explain, I think its a feeling that has followed me through my life.

7) She has 24 peoples problems to juggle, I feel like a burden

8) I feel like CRAPOLA!!!!!!!!! I feel like death

9) this is my biggest disappointment, every time I think I'm on the right track and I feel My Fathers presence ever so nearly, by the next day I don't know where he went.

10) I like it so much and its so convenient but its only material



I just can't find the joy anymore. I don't know if my expectations are too high, but I know I'm not even close to half of what I would like to be. What can I do? What should I do? God you told me to take the Jonah challenge, and now what? I'm so lost, hurt, sad and mad. I can't breath and I try to talk to you, but your not there. Where did you go? This is too much lord, did you hear me??? this is too much, back off. I can't push myself anymore, I need you to make it easier. With out you, I'm nothing and I'm holding onto a little hope that you are there. Just say the word and I will be healed


I want to smile again, laugh again, feel free again, be the life of the party again, be more compassionate with my family. I want to feel that Kayla knows I love her more than anything on this earth. I want to be the couple everyone envy's, I want to shine brighter than the brightest stare you've seen.


Lord help me i'm lost for words.... I have little hope and I ask you to take this hope and mold it into something wonderful. Take this life and change it, Move this mountain lord... You are mighty to save, I believe and the sun aint shinning. Take the heaviness away from my chest, lift my spirits.

Please pray for me

Journey Together, Love Jesus, Bring hope to the world

Screaming from somewhere With-in

Not one day is the same, every morning I wake up I feel differently than the day before. As I wrote that I got this thought, Every day is changing, every emotion and feeling. I go to bed knowing tomorrow is going to be different, but I'm not afraid anymore. Could it be that I have finally completely given my fear of change to God? I see it getting easier and easier as I wake up to a new morning. I think that's how its supposed to be, I think God is constantly creating new days for us while we sleep. After all we wake up to a brand new day each day we get the privilege to see another one. God is constantly at work in this world and in each individuals life with-in it. This blows my mind just thinking about how powerful and big God is, and I all to often put him in this little box forgetting about his power.

I started writing this post because I'm still dying inside, Its just the weirdest feeling and that's the only way I know how to explain it. I feel okay, happy maybe or if I could say normal I would but I know normal comes in all different colors and sizes. But I still have no energy, I forget things the moment I set them down, I have to force myself to do anything. I know some of you might say, "well thats normal" my response to that is, yes this is normal every once in a while but not every single day. It feels so weird because I feel like my heart and mind are having an argument. My heart (keeper of my emotions) wants to play and be giddy, but my mind doesn't know how to keep up. I feel like I'm trapped inside this happy shell screaming from somewhere deep with-in. Whelp all I can say is because I'm only man I don't understand but God has to know so take it God, Erase these thoughts from my head and heal this broken body.

I have to acknowledge God by:

1) Listening to him, this means that I have to be quiet and like some commentary's would say- SHUT UP.
2) Depend on Him, I have to depend on him and hand what ever is bothering me over to him. Sit back and watch things happen
3) Give Glory to Him, (1 Chronicle's 16:29) Worship the Lord with ALL your heart. Basically "Dance like no one is watching."
4) Focus on the If- cause if God isn't doing it Good Luck

On Sunday the speaker gave a Formula and I would like to share it with you-

If God Doesn't (fill in the blank)

Then I might as well (Fill in the blank)

For an example this would be one of mine.

If God doesn't give me energy and a kind heart,
Then I might as well do nothing all day, complain and be the biggest jerk alive.

Living like this only show's how hopeless and selfish I am. I can't throw an adult fit every time I feel like God isn't doing something. This should be my response...


If God doesn't give me energy and a Kind heart,
Then I must praise him anyway and keep asking him to teach me how to have these things and Know that he will come through.

I have to drop my name completely and this doesn't mean I have to change my name to something else or request that people not call me Tiffany. This means that I have to completely get rid of my selfish ways, I have to completely rely on God to do everything in my life. This means I have to trust that he is working in my life as well as my family's.

If GOD then just don't worry about it!

Jesus I thank you for who you are, I know you are working in my life and I am so blessed by you. I don't deserve anything from you but you give it to me anyways. So Lord, I want to remind you that this life is yours, My WHOLE heart is yours Lord. Please take it and use it for your glory. Lord You know I have doubts and I worry way too much, I want to give that to you today and I ask that you change my thinking and give my patients. I love you so much, thank you for staying by my side.

Live in Community, Love Jesus, Bring Hope to the World

I will Continue to BELIEVE!!!

"How long will my prayers seem unanswered? Is there still faith for me to reach the end? I'm feeling down I'm losing Faith, But giving up will cost me EVERYTHING! So I'll stand in the pain, In the silence and I'll speak to the dark night... I BELIEVE in the sun even when its not shining, I BELIEVE in love even when I don't feel it and I BELIEVE in GOD even when He is silent and I, I believe!!!!"

For the past two weeks I have been failing, shutting down and I have had little faith and hope to make i t through the day. I have literally been in a battle for my life and there have been many tears and feelings of defeat. However I still have some faith and God says that even with faith the size of a mustard seed I can move mountains and that's exactly what I have been doing. It has been so hard for me to open my Bible and study but I wasn't going to let that stop me from talking and praising God, Instead I made a point to have music on during the day to lift my spirits and praise God so I can remember that God has never left me, He still loves me and He is hurting for me like a parent would hurt for their suffering child. The attached song has gotten me by the past week, I have played it constantly just to remind myself that I STILL BELIEVE and that even when I feel like my cry's for healing are going unanswered I WILL STILL BELIEVE and I will make it through this.

How am I feeling now? Well I am okay some days, Happy every other day and REALLY happy once in a while. I am so thankful that I am finally beginning to feel happy again, actually I am beginning to feel things I can't remember when the last time I felt them was. But I am so frustrated because I still have NO focus and I am forgetting EVERYTHING! This is especially hard when I have in my possession a card linked directly to my bank account and Keys that start my car and the list goes on. I know that I am dealing with ADHD and it is so frustrating that it is not being treated right now, But with that being said I have to continuously give this frustration to God because I know that right now we are dealing with the "major" issue, Like my friend told me last night depression can kill me ADHD can't. So I will press on knowing that God has a plan and he writes my days so I better trust in him.

Today at church we had the privilege to have Michael Smally preach and surprisingly, but not really surprisingly, He spoke exactly what I wrote about in my "Not my Name Jesus." post. He even used the Ecclesiastes verses I used. I took this a God telling me directly to my face to remember that I have nothing to do with what the outcome will be, but that I need to forget about me trying to fix things and completely trust that God will do everything for me and all I have to do is listen and follow. Constantly this week I have been crying for God to take this life this situation and lead me, Because of this I have seen improvement and progress and my faith is getting stronger. I will continue to believe and trust in God because I want to do his will and not mine.

Anything God says will be done, Nothing is too small or big for God to overcome and I don't know about you, but as for me I am putting my life in his hands. Wednesday I had my follow up appointment with my Doctor, I prayed all the way to the appointment and as I walked up to the door leading into his office. Unlike the previous week his office staff were so nice and uplifting. I didn't have to wait long at all and When my name was called back, also unlike the previous week, my doctor was to very nice and uplifting. We talked and he did his thing and I left. As I headed to my moms house to pick up The Bear I thanked God for meeting with me during the appointment and Being such and amazing God. I began to praise him and as I turned onto woodlands pkwy I noticed a cluster of Grey clouds but it wasn't the fact that the clouds were Grey that caught my attention. When I looked up what I saw I will never forget, In the middle of this Grey cloud there was light shinning around a very white perfectly shaped heart :-). Seeing this just took my breath away, I KNOW that God was saying he loved me and was very proud of me, he was reminding me that I am dear to his heart and he is with me. As I drove further down the pkwy and was getting closer to passing the cloud it started to vanish, My God sent me a Love note. Little things like this could easily be passed up if one wasn't listening and looking for God to speak to them. I can't imagine loving his less, I love the way he holds me and I just can't live with out him.

This life I am living is for God and God alone! Nothing I ever do is because I had enough strength or energy to do it, each day progress is made its because GOD is giving me that strength and everything I live for and want is to live this life for Jesus Christ. I hope when you look at me, you see Jesus.

Everything is a process and its because God's timing is perfect. God is NEVER late He is always on time, Although he has many opportunities to show up early lol he is always on time.

I Love you Jesus, I am so in love with you and I thank you for your timing and blessings. Even though I walk through the Vally of Death, I fear no evil for I know you are with me Lord Jesus. I owe you everything Jesus so take this heart of mine and Use it for your Kingdom. Thank you for taking the fall for my sins, Let me never forget the price that was paid for my salvation Lord. I will never forget your broken body and the blood that was shed to wash my sins white as snow. Lord take this life, I offer you my whole heart and I will follow you all the days of my life. Amen

Journey Together, Love Jesus, Bring Hope to the World...

Depression! Just Diagnosed

To my readers, I have to apologize for not being able to keep up with my posts lately. The truth is I haven't been in the word lately and haven't been in constant prayer either about why.


Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods. True clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for weeks or longer.

As I have been being honest with myself and who I really am while uncovering feelings I thought were long gone, I have been falling deeper and deeper into depression. I know I can't help what has happened and I have forgiven my past and failures, The only thing that was left was this demon that has cast a huge shadow over my life and happiness. For the past couple months but really intensely the past couple weeks I have been battling with my emotions. There have been days where I literally haven't been able to get out of bed and NOTHING kills a mother more than the feeling of being completely hopeless and Useless to her babies! After a couple ruff days I was finally able to mustard up enough energy to get in touch with a doctor and I have been "Diagnosed" with Major Depression (single episode) Disorder. How am I feeling? Well Sad all the time, I want to cry for no reason at all, No amount of sleep is ever enough and I can't even get out of bed in the mornings without a fight, I have ZERO energy and no desire to complete any task. I look around and I can't help but to feel like a huge disappointment for not being able to accomplish anything. I yell at my husband CONSTANTLY and it hurts so bad because I cant control it ya'll.

Today is day 6 of being on my new medication and I am starting to feel small very small shreds of heaviness being lifted off me. I am able to wake up in the mornings now without much of a fight and I can get through my days with minimal pain. I'm holding onto hope and I know one day, this will be lifted and I can shine bright again.

Sunday Chris and I went up and asked for prayer, Which was kinda awkward because it was our first time to ask but I'm glad we did. The elder prayed over me, anointing me and explained that I have been "Just Diagnosed" with depression, I don't HAVE depression and it will be lifted. It was so weird because as he was praying over me I felt as if something way being ripped from my body, almost like you see in the animated movies, and I felt so much better through the day. I have the best support right now from my Husband, Family and Friends and I could ask for a better group of people. God is IN control and His hand is in this situation and I will be VICTORIOUS.


"Answer me quickly, O Lord; my spirit fails. Do not hide your face from me or I will be like those who go down to the pit. Let the Morning bring me word of your unfailing love, For I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. Rescue me from my enemies, O Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For your name's sake, O Lord, preserve my life' in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. in your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant." Amen, Psalms 143:7-12

Journey Together, Love Jesus, Bring hope to the World!

How is your Heart?

How is your Heart?
Yesterday night I was able to attend a Beth Moore Bible study called Wishing up. It is much different than a normal study by Beth Moore because there is no homework to be done. I missed last weeks study, but thankfully some of my friends caught me up on it. I knew this was going to be a hard study to take part in, and I knew I had to go.

Lately I had been complaining about being so tired of being tired, and not having any answers our explanations for anything. I have been on this emotional whirlwind of a journey for the past month or so, and it had just about claimed insanity over me. I didn't know what this bible study was going to be about, and truthfully I had no idea my church was hosting another one until my friend asked if I was going to go. Unfortunately, like I mentioned before I was unable to attend the first meeting but my girlfriends informed me that this study would be perfect for me.

The study topic was: The Heart of Wisdom, and I just have to share with you all what I was able to get from the study last night.

I think Beth Moore is keeping us mainly in Proverbs as we embark on this 6 week study. Just like she said last night, I will warn all my readers of this.... "God has come to mess with us today!" This was not easy information for me to receive, and I pray that God will guide my every key stroke so that I may pass on the same message to you all from my perspective.

Beth Moore starts out with a little factoid, "The Book of Proverbs uses the word "heart" 75 times." Since there are only 31 chapters in the book of Proverbs this tells me that there must be something important that I should learn about my heart. She goes on to say that in Proverbs 4:23 it explains the absolute priority attention the heart is to receive over all other human faculties. You know, I have always grown up with people saying, "you have to protect your heart.", "You can't trust your heart." or "Your heart is the master deceiver." well, La da da de do! my response, often not verbalized, was always "Why do you care?", "It's not your heart, so let me do with it what I want since it is mine after all." But as life progressed for me, I soon began to realize just how important my heart was. After many heartaches and hurt to disappointment and depression, I started to realize that my heart just may be the keeper of my emotions.

Well I can tell you, This study was not peaches and cream for me. It was a huge eye opener and will be a huge challenge for me to completely understand and apply it to my life. Proverbs 4:23 says, Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.

This means, that I must guard my heart with passion because everything I take in comes out through my heart. Beth made a point to say that our hearts can be a powerful toll against the darkness, but unguarded Satan has the power to manipulate and use my heart in wrong ways. I realized that I have been protecting my heart for a very long time, but not like it is mentioned in Proverbs rather I have been protecting it from everything and that includes God. He already knows my heart, But what about me? How well do I know my heart? *gasp* When this questioned was asked, I became paralyzed in my seat. I thought I knew my heart, It's definitely a crazy one but could it actually be that I don't really understand my heart? I don't think Beth is very far behind with this question.

Its interesting how the Bible and some commentary's describe the heart. "Biblically speaking, the heart is "the seat of intentions, thoughts, and emotions" and serves "as the control for the rest of human anatomy." the commentary calls it "the seat of [Tiffany Morans] dearest treasure."

WOW, so if this is true my heart is really the thing that controls most of my every actions. My heart tells my mouth how to speak and body to react and it is the thrown that holds onto my dearest treasures! My heart is one powerful thing, and I honestly don't know how to control it at this point. Its funny because I have mentioned that my emotions are to strong and I am weak to its power. Its no wonder why either, I would say I have to first understand my heart not try to figure out why my emotions are crazy. It's not a mental disorder, its a heart disorder.

I took away with the understanding that ALL wisdom and ALL folly reside in the heart. So what am I guarding my heart from? Wisdom or Folly? I want to guard it from folly and all evil and guard all pure things with-in it. I learned that Wisdom comes from the heart, That it is the only place open for God to pass through us. The thing that hit the most was, God cannot use me or offer me any wisdom if my heart is not completely his. I can't say to him, "Here God, you can have everything my heart has to offer but not my fear of change, God, I don't trust anybody with that." If even the smallest thing is guarded from God, He will not be able to pass through your heart. The Bible says, God searches the world daily for just one willing heart offered to him completely. I really want to give God my heart, and I really want to have wisdom but I'm not sure I'm willing to completely give it away and hold on to nothing. Are you? If you are, or have please share some of that wisdom with me.

I possess nothing any deeper or greater than my Heart, This means that my Heart is a very dangerous thing. But If Applied right, it is a very dangerous thing to Satan. A Guarded heart for Christ will protect you completely from Satan, He will no longer be able to use me or get to me any longer if my heart is applied the right way. God is asking me to trust him with my heart, So why is it so hard?

I learned that I have all of these types of Hearts;

1.) Anxious heart
2.)Isolated heart
3.)Hope-sick heart
4.)Hardened heart

I know exactly when I start to feel anxiety come over me and when it does I explode like a vicious volcano looking to destroy what ever is in its path. I get Anxiety when my husband, friends or parents do not understand me but I want so desperately for them to. Or when things aren't going exactly how I want them to, or when I'm just flat out overwhelmed.

Something that struck me hard was, I have anxiety issues and it holds me down. Every time I give into my anxiety, I bow down bow down to it like prisoners before their captain. It all just boils down to me just flat out having an obedience problem. All anxiety is rooted in Control, And I desperate want to feel like I have control over everything. But I am SINNING if I continue to live like this, because God say's not to worry or be anxious because he is in control. He tells us to pray over being anxious, Not so that we can have it but that when ever I do feel anxious I would bow down to HIM instead of ANXIETY... 1 Peter 5:7 says, Cast on our anxiety on Christ, the moment you feel it throw it to him. This means that even if I began to look like a schizophrenic person because I am crying out loud to God every time I feel anxiety just throwing on him, because I feel anxiety about every 10 minutes of the day, then so be it! Anxiety turns into fear as soon as we realize we don't have control over something. Let me tell you, I want NOTHING to do with my anxiety anymore, and I must say "This is yours God, you are in control of this." And further more, Manipulation is control just another way of it.


I have an Isolated heat, because Not one person truly can understand what I am going through. You could take two people with the same issue but they will process it very differently emotionally. There are certain things that I just wont ever be able to make clear to other people.

I have a Hope-sick heart because I am a jealous person. I can't tell you how many times I've just thrown my hands up in the air proclaimed that I'm DONE or that I wont pray for that issue anymore, Its just useless or even I can't believe that they got this and I have been wanting that for the longest time!!! doing this only show's how "hopeless' I am.

I have a Hardened heart because I cut people out of my life or certain things I'm not willing to hear. The cold hard truth is, Every time I say, "I don't care" or cut myself out to someone, I have just committed murder! Any one who hates is a murderer according to the Bible, acting like you don't care is murder. I am guilty of committing emotional murder daily!

I have to Guard my heart like a prisoner chained to the wrist of Christ. Nothing is more foolish that a hard heart. Not with holding one thing, I have to bring my whole heart to Christ, because he can only work with all of it.

Once I am able to do this, He will show me the power to overcome the Devil!!! This is all I ever want.

I am daily working on all of these issues, but its not going to be an easy one. However I am more aware of everything mentioned and I hope through the years I will become much stronger.

Thank you Lord for bringing this information to my ears, You know just how hard it is going to be for me and I thank you for your patience. Please continue to lead me in the right direction. Amen

Journey Together,Love Jesus, Bring Hope to the World

God Bless you

He Takes Me Back- Testimony

The above picture depicts who I was far away from Christ.


Nahum 1: (An oracle concerning Nineveh. the book of the vision of Nahum of Elkosh.)
God's wrath Against Nineveh

The Love is a jealous and avenging God; the Lord is avenging and wrathful; the lord takes vengeance on his adversaries and keeps wrath for his enemies. The Lord is slow to anger and great in power, and the Lord will be no means clear the guilty. His way is in whirlwind and storm, and the clouds are the dust of his feet. He rebukes the sea and makes it dry; he dries up all the rivers; Bashan and Carmel wither; and bloom of Lebanon withers. The mountains quake before him; the hills melt; the earth heaves before him, the world and all who dwell in it. Who can stand before his indignation? Who can endure the heat of his anger? His wrath is poured out like fire, and the rocks are broken into pieces by him. The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him. But with an overflowing flood he will make a complete end of the adversaries, and will pursue his enemies into darkness. What do you plot against the Lord? He will make a complete end; trouble will not rise up a second time. For they are like entangled thorns, like drunkards as the drink; they are consumed like stubble fully dried. From you came one who plotted evil against the Lord, a worthless counselor. Thus says the Lord Though they are at full strength and many, they will be cut down and pass away. Though I have afflicted you, I will afflict you no more. And now I will break his yoke from off you and will burst your bonds apart. The Lord has given commandment about you: No more shall your name be perpetuated; from the house of your gods i will cut off the carved image and the metal image. i will make your grave, for you are vile.

Jonah 3:4-5: Jonah began to go into the city, going a day's journey. And he Called out, "Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown!" And the people of Nineveh believed God. They called for a fast and put on sackcloth, from the greatest of them to the least of them.

Jonah 3:10, When God saw what they did, How they turned from their evil way, God relented of the disaster that he had said he would do to them, and he did not do it.

In this story, It only took one man, Jonah, To obey Christ and reach out to Nineveh. Of course he ran from God in the beginning, but did eventually make the journey to Nineveh saying to them, " Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown!" These 8 words had such an impact on this city, that the whole population of Nineveh turned and repented. Because of this, God had mercy on them showing compassion.

I guess it all started when I turned 16, I was offered my first job being a cashier at Krogers. Entering the work force I was introduced to this other world, so full of excitement and new things I had never done before. I started getting all this attention from boys and other girls and I was overwhelmed. People actually thought I was attractive and fun... They wanted to be my friend!!! (Keep in mind that I had been home schooled for my high school years and only knew people from church. And I was not really popular there) For the first time in a LONG time I felt accepted and wanted, but the pier pressure was something new. It wasn't long until I had my first, then second boyfriend. The first didn't last that long, but the second is a different story. Said boyfriend was my first "love", he introduced me to this whole new way of living. I started to become really distant from my parents. I became really disrespectful and started to rebel majorly. Lying became my language and manipulation my strong point.

I started hiding things from my parents and hurting them with words and my actions. It wasn't long until I gave into Wordily things. My life was spiraling in a downward motion and my parents started noticing. At the time, I thought I was having the BEST time of my life. I couldn't understand why my parents were all up in my business and tightening the "leash". But I didn't like it one bit. I became more adamant in everything I did, Which got me kicked out at the ripe age of 17. I went on the live with said boyfriend and his parents for the next year of my life. Said boyfriend and I had a small group of consistent friends that we hung out with almost daily. On the weekends we would all gather at my boyfriend's uncles apartment for hang time. His uncle was a 30+ year old single man, I'm sure you can see the trouble or danger there, but I didn't then. He let us do anything we wanted, and there wasn't any discipline or constructive criticism.It wasn't long until everyday seemed like a big party and I saw nothing wrong with that.

after awhile I ended things with the boyfriend and I had moved back in with my parents. I was still infected by the world that I again, could no longer stay with my parents. About this time I had met my husband.

I started my first job working as a bartender/waitress at a bar downtown. Nothing good ever came from working at a night bar, surrounded by men and edgy dressed woman. I remember going to the rodeo one year with some people I worked with. I started the day off very wrong and then headed down to meet everyone that was going. I made a bunch of bad decisions and then hopped in my car to drive home. The last thing I remembered before seeing the bright flashing red and blue lights behind me trying to get onto the freeway going the WRONG WAY!!!! Thankfully no other car was coming my way and I'm not sure how I noticed I was heading the wrong way on the free way, but I somehow managed to turn around and got on the track going home. I remember exiting multiple times thinking it was my exit, but it never was. When the cop's finally pulled me over, They let me know that I had been driving on all four lanes of the highway and the exit I had taken was taking me to a very dangerous neighborhood. I'm very thankful the cop's pulled me over, it definitely saved my life and that of others. I went to jail that night.

I sat in jail for 48 hours before getting bailed out, and Not a single minute did I enjoy it. But even that did stop my drive to have a good time.

I continued living life going down the wrong path and not one turn I made was a good one. My life was definitely a huge mess but I didn't look at it that way. About a month after Ike I found out I was about 8 weeks pregnant. Completely terrified and unsure what I was going to do, I made an appointment with the doctor to find out if I was in fact pregnant. As soon as I saw this little peanut with a pumping motion right in the middle did my heart finally change.

My Daughter was my saving grace, and I think God for her every chance I get. I remember my sister calling me one day and telling me that my story had been one of the biggest turn around stories she had ever witnessed. She said it was almost like God gave me a child because he though that would be a harder trial than a couple years in Jail.. And I think she was right. I'm not perfect, and I will continue to make mistakes but I will never turn my head from God and walk the wrong way down the street again.

This is my testimony and its not much different from the story of Nineveh. There isn't a single person that God wont take back. There isn't a single thing you can possibly do wrong that can't be forgiven by Jesus Christ. You have to realize your on the wrong path and have a heart change asking Christ to come into your life and save you. Through Man this is impossible, but through Christ anything is possible.

Precious Father I life up our sins to you and ask for grace and compassion. I think you for forgiving my evil ways and continuing to forgive my failures. I know that I'll always fall short of the person I'm supposed to be Lord, But I praise your name for being a compassionate God. One that is slow to anger and understanding. I pray for those who are struggling right now Lord, I life them up to you... please forgive them, for they know not what they do. Continue to pour our your blessings on this blog and your flocks of nations. I pray that more people will step up to your name and Shepard your flock. We lift you up father and praise you daily. We love you and in your holy name, Amen.


Journey Together, Love Jesus, Bring hope to the world

God Bless you.

Not my name Jesus

Ecclesiastes 1:4-11 A generation goes, and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever. The sun rises, and the sun goes down, and hastens to the place where it rises. The wind blows to the south and goes around to the north; around and around goes the wind, and on its circuits the wind returns. All streams run to the sea, but the sea is not full; to the place where the streams flow, there the flow again. All things are full of weariness; a man cannot utter it; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing. What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done, and there is nothing new under the sun. Is there a thing of which it is said, "See, this is new"? It has been already in the ages before us. There is no remembrance of former things, nor will there be any remembrance of later things yet to be among those who come after.

ESV explains; The "Vanity" of the Natural World. The endless repetition of natural seasons and cycles never produces anything "new" and thus appears to be without direction or purpose. There is no remembrance of former things, nor... of later things. Or, if the reading in the footnote is accepted, "there is no remembrance of former people...nor...of later people" As the generations come and go there are very few people who make any significant impact on the course of world history; the majority of the human generations thus appears to be as purposeless as the repetitive cycles of the natural world.

I think its only natural, being human, to want our name's to be known around the world or even in our small circle of friends. The want to feel popular doesn't ever leave us, does it? We are faced with clicks where ever we go, what ever age we are or stage of life we're in. I used to think it would be different in a place like church, but unfortunately I have been let down in that thinking. For someone on the outside looking in, its already intimidating enough walking into a place like church let alone looking around and seeing the same ole thing that one would see everywhere else. You might ask,"Where do I go now, Where do I fit in, Am I accepted?" The truth is, nowhere you go, will you ever find perfect worldly. Christians aren't perfect and EVERYONE makes mistakes and falls back into every category "society" deems acceptable. We are attracted to other people like us, So how can this change? Well it only takes one willing person to make a difference. My thought is, that person will have to completely get rid of themselves, pick up their cross and walk whole heartily shedding their skin and putting on Christ's. Then and only then can a difference be made.

I have a driving passion to not let my name be known but rather, in the end, I hope when people think of me They'll only, be able to see God. Nothing I do right or wrong is because of how smart I may be, Wise or outgoing. Everything done through me is because God gives me that strength and the ability to reach out. I have to catch myself daily because naturally I accept the glory, but the glory is not mine but is to be God's alone. For example, I have to be careful to not take the responsibility for whether or not Kayla goes to live on her life as a shining example for Christ, if she makes many mistakes, becomes a doctor or the begging city bum you pass walking to work everyday. I have to make the choice to live the way God calls me to live and be the best example I can possibly be of His love and grace. In return giving him the glory and praise for every outcome.

A month or two ago I partook in one of the most life altering bible studies I've had the privilege to be apart of. Priscilla Shirer's "Jonah" (Navigating a Life Interrupted) completely turned my life upside down forcing me to look in the mirror at my life in its current state allowing me to see me for who I really was. This study should come with a warning... May open Pandora's box..... Because that is exactly what it has done in my life. But there is no one I wouldn't recommend this study to. If you want a life altered and the ability to drop your name, I challenge you to take on Jonah. You will not be disappointed I promise you this.

This is my constant Surrender- I declare to put a stop to my obsessive ways,my hard heart, my fear of trust, change and the desire to steer my life "making" things happen. I promise to surrender these things to God and run after his plan whole heartily. For i Want to make a lasting impression on History, That my NAME not be remembered but HIS.


Oh God, My God I scream out from the depths of my heart for your name to be known across the nations. That your people would drop theirs names and put on yours. You are to be praised at all hours of the day, You are such a loving and gracious God slow to anger but abounding in steadfast love. Oh, Lord we do not deserve a love like yours. Thank you for being the God you are to a sinner like me. I am nothing but Judas's Kiss and you love me anyway. Praise be to your name, May you reign in my heart forever. I pray over my readers and the flock of nations, that they may be introduced to a God like you, I pray for their salvation Lord and I pray for this blog, Please speak through me and guide my thoughts so that I through you may reach many. We love you father, we need you Father... Please forgive our transgressions Lord, Help us never to forget the price you paid for our salvation. In your holy name, I pray... Amen

Journey Together, Love Jesus, Bring Hope

God Bless you

Realization- Time to let go

After yesterdays post I was able to think and process, the best I could, many of the things mentioned. It wasn't until a very wise man emailed me, that I finally understood it all. In following are some of the things said that will forever have a lasting impact on my life. My hope is that it may reach someone else and have the same lasting effect.

"Sometimes I think its hard for anyone who finally realize they’ve made mistakes that can destroy their future to realize everyone – I mean everyone – makes mistakes. And really, a mistake is a mistake. Except for God’s grace, all mistakes make us failures in God’s site. But Jesus’ blood hides those mistakes from God’s eyes so all he sees is a perfect child.

You need to remember Jesus’ blood hides those mistakes from others and should also hide them from you. The past is the past and it should stay in the past. If you are afraid the past has the power to again become the present, then it means the thing you fear is not in your past and you need to put it there. Forgive yourself, forgive the men, trust God as you are and the past will totally loose its power over your future."

Amen right? I'm only human to linger on these "mistakes", but doing so turns out to be so destructive to my life. I realize now that I have been stuck in this tragic wheel of thinking and I couldn't even tell you where it ends because I have not yet found that point myself. Astoundingly though, This email screams truth and wisdom to my ears.

The past is in fact the past and most remain in the past! What you are left with is a testimony, that if used properly and understood, turns out to be an amazing tool.

I stand today completely freed from the shackles that bound me and choose to praise God for his blood that covers my sins.

This very wise man who sent the email happens to also be my Dad. His name is Richard Quinn and together with my mom Karen Quinn they have a total of 22 kids. After being blessed with 3 beautiful children, on the outside one might say, " This family seems complete." But little did they or anybody else know just what God was brewing in their hearts.

As I understand it from my mom, My name, my plea for help and someone to love me made its appearance in the form of a church brochure. On that Sunday morning my dad's eyes caught image of the little description under the little picture of one curly-blond haired and browned eyed young girl. He nudges my mom's side showing her the brochure while sporting an endearing look. You could imagine, my mom now having 7 kids (4 adopted) wanted to take some time to pray about this. Thankfully after a couple weeks and my face continuing to appear on that brochure, God finally came through to my parents.

Hello, My name is Tiffany (Quinn) Moran. I have a forever family and the best thing about that is, I also have 22 siblings. Most importantly, I was given the GREATEST gift anyone could give another. I have and know the love of Jesus Chris, It has been imprinted forever in my mind and heart and I owe it all to my parents.

Maybe, Just maybe, This whole "Getting rid of me" thing isn't going to be such a challenge after all. I mean, look at how far I've already gotten. Matthew 19:26 - But Jesus looked at them and said. " With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." Friends, ALL things are possible if you just allow God to take control.

Today I was led to Ecclesiastes 1:1-3 and the funniest part about it all is last night Chris and I were joking about something, I can't remember really what about, and he jokingly spat out Ecclesiastes 1:13 in reference that it has some meaning to what we were talking about. So, I told him that I would indeed look up that verse, but little did I know that there would be huge importance in that verse. That had nothing to do with what we were joking about if I may add.

Ecclesiastes 1:1-3... Vanity of vanities, says the Preacher. vanity of vanities! All is vanity. What does man gain by all the toil at which he toils under the sun?

Confused yet? I didn't really understand this verse much until I read a little more description about it. What does Vanity refer to in this verse? I'm not sure since the Preacher leaves it unexplained. However, as the book progresses its meaning becomes more clear. What does man gain? The ESV explains it- This repeated question is born out of the Preacher's realization that "all is vanity" if life frequently makes no sense and pleasures and achievements are "fleeting," is there any significance to human existence? The phrase under the sun does not indicate a "secular" point of view, as is often claimed but rather refers to the world and to mankind in their current fallen state.

Ahhhh Haa! Well then, that makes a lot of sense :-). In my case, Vanity is my past and today's trials. I don't gain anything at all by toiling in my current state about it. I can't change my past or make better things happen, so why do I try? Because I must be insane :-). Maybe that's a little to far, but maybe its because I want to be the conductor of my life. Because for some reason I have felt like I could make better outcomes of situations. The truth is, I am nothing but a catastrophe waiting to happen and I don't want any part of that. Friends, Please do not let your life get to this point. Trust in God, trust that he has a better plan for your life than the one you have sitting on that pedestal. Because chasing after that "life" has brought me nothing but heartache.

Ecclesiastes 1:13... And I applied my heart to seek and to search out by wisdom all that is done under heaven. It is an unhappy business that God had given to the children of man to be busy with.

I don't know about you, but I want to be wise and have wisdom. According to this verse it is an unhappy business to be in. It wasn't until today did I completely understand wisdom. You see, I have wisdom already but it is up to me how I use it. Everything I have been through thus far and everything that I've witnessed under heaven play a role to my wisdom. The reason why this is important is because I used to look back at my past and see nothing but failure in a big pile of useless garbage..... One mans garbage, is another mans treasure. God's going to use my past in miraculous was and I'm going to hold on to the wisdom received from it.

Its amazing to me what I could miss if my ears aren't open. You see, Chris spatting out this verse last night could have gone in one ear and out the other. I decided to look it up, and its a good thing I did :-)

Today, My Faith and Trust is in the Lord. I pray for the Holy Spirit to be my earthly light unto the path my Heavenly Father had laid down for me. I continue to pray that I learn to fully respect my Husband and become the woman/wife and mother I am appointed to be.

Our Mission Statement: Journey Together, Love Jesus, Bring Hope ( together with the community of Woodsedge Community Church)

God Bless you

Confused and Lost

I have never been that great with writing or had a driving passion for blogging. So why am I starting this blog? Well for two reasons really, for one I have ADD and I feel like being able to keep up with this blog might be a BIG help for me being able to keep up and organized with life. Most importantly, I feel like God is calling me to start this blog so that people know that they are not alone and our struggles really aren't that different. I've started two blogs prior to this one and they've always tragically ended after a couple days. I have faith that the same outcome will not happen it this blogs case.

Who am I? I feel like I'm constantly asking that question. I'm not exactly sure If I know who I am, or what my purpose is. Why was I placed on this earth? Is there really something huge that I'm supposed to accomplish in this life? I guess my problem here is that I want to have all the answers, but what if I did? Would I be any happier? Would I then feel like life is complete?

I've struggled my whole life with change. I was born into a incompatible situation to drug and sex addicted parents. I was the third child to be born to my parents and we're all about two years apart. Unfortunately for my brother and sister, they had four and two years of abuse and neglect on me. They were in bad shape and sadly for me, that would be my story for the next 3 years of my life. According the the 'documents" I was never at one place for to long, always being passed around from one relative to another and never being together for longer than a week, at times, with my brother and sister. It was Man who damaged me the most. On one account, my mother who was separated from my father and living with her also drug addicted boyfriend had me in their possession. This man wanted nothing to do with my siblings let alone me. His every desire or want included him being completely messed up on drugs, having my mom in the same state and to have sex whenever he wanted it. So of course there could be no distractions or room for whining kids in his plan. He hated when I cried in fact he hated it so much that whenever I would cry he'd walk over grab my ankles and swing me around several times hitting me against the wall until my cry's could no longer be heard. Where was my mom? isn't a mother supposed to protect her children? Well not my mom, she was always to high or drunk to have a conscience let alone stand up for me. I've struggled my whole life with men, from being completely scared of them to feeling like a huge constant disappointment never being able to be what they want or desire. How is that fair? Why me? Why my mom? Where was God?... I try not to think about this, but the truth is it's apart of me of who I am, and I can never escape it. I can't tell you how many times these questions flowed through my mind like a wild spring flows through the Vally. I have been so angry with God for so long, So angry with my life my situation that I can't remember when it started to become numb to me. Why me God? Why did it have to be me, why do I constantly day dream about this perfect life involving parents who look like me, brothers and sisters who are my blood? I didn't sign up for this life and I didn't have a choice in any of it......

Taking this account and fast forwarding to today I am 24 years of age and Married. Together, my husband and I have a 2 year old daughter. Guess what? I still feel like a big disappointment to man especially my husband. But whats worse is, I can't escape the biological thread that links me to the mother who stood by watching while her infant daughter was beaten to silence all because of her cry's for her mom, for attention and for food. The biological personality and abuse accrued completely terrifies me of the mother I may be towards my own daughter. through the years leading up to today, and little by little my story will unfold, I have put away, banned, completely outlawed my hurt, disappointment and depression and numbed myself completely to its hurt. For years I fronted emotions and acted like the person I thought I felt the world wanted to see. Because of this and of recent events, I have found me to be an extremely depressed and emotional person in need of serious counseling and an undying love and acceptance from something or someone bigger than me. I have been for years leaning on other people especially my husband and doctors for answers and feel good solutions. Even though the "solutions" have helped out and changed the outcome of situations in one way or another, they have always only been temporary fixes. However, the one thing I have found to be completely constant is being able to find that refuge in Christ Jesus, my Lord.

Not only do I not handle change well or feel accepted and praised by man, I have the hardest time trusting in anything or anyone but myself. You could imagine then, having to put my faith and trust in a man that I can not see or touch and walking blindly in the direction of His calling is extremely hard and almost undoubtedly impossible for someone like me. Well to be completely honest, It isn't easy for me. It has to be a daily surrender on my behalf otherwise it will never be done.

I'm confused because I feel like I am trying but getting no where. I'm sick of feeling exhausted, beaten, let down, being a constant disappointment and being completely lost. Surprisingly I will continue to press on putting my faith and trust in a man that promises me salvation and peace in his arms. Ahhhh, peace in His arms, those few words put in that sentence have a greater meaning to me behind it all. He promises that through him, I will struggle with this no longer.

It never fails to amaze me just what God will show me if my heart is willing to hear from Him. During my quiet time today Christ met with me and led me to proverbs 31: 10-31. In Proverbs 31:10-31 it talks about The Woman Who Fears the Lord. It talks about all of the qualities a Godly woman/wife/mother should posses. At this point, I don't believe I honestly portray any of these characteristics but want so desperately to achieve such a personality. "In the ESV translation it defines the mention of a woman who fears the Lord at the end of the long list of excellent qualities to bring back the theme of the book of Proverbs stated in 1:7. It reminds readers that this woman excels in her fear of the Lord, and therefore that she is a model of the character traits and wisdom taught throughout the book's 31 chapters. The appearance of this woman's fear of the Lord at the end of this list is also a reminder that this quality is more important that even great skill and talent, and is foundational to the wise and right use of all activities and skills. A godly woman may well have outward charm and beauty, but these are of secondary importance to her godliness."

This will undoubtedly prove to be a hard process of getting rid of me and being transformed in Christ. Being honest with myself and my past allowing forgiveness and healing to take place will have to be the first step. You can't know where your going, If you don't know where you've been.

Today, my faith and trust is in the Lord. My prayer is that of forgiveness and healing for the situation I mentioned earlier so that I may be able to move forward with more trust and the ability to accept change. I pray that I learn to respect my Husband as he should be and become the woman, wife and mother God has appointed me to be.

Our Mission statement: Journey together, Love Jesus, Bring Hope.

God Bless you