I hate these motions....

If there is someone I would like to be more like, I think it would be Job. I can barely keep my head above water and he didn't break. I'm beginning to doubt, my strength is diminishing and I don't know what or rather how to pray anymore. I'm fighting back tears every second of the day, I'm so frustrated. Why is it taking so long? Is it patience he is testing? He told me he wouldn't give me more than I couldn't handle, So why do I feel like he is? All I want to do Is live for him but I don't feel him. I feel like he has left, could this be true? What more can I do? I am so lost..... I think I should write a list of everything I should be happy about. Hopefully looking at this list will help me feel better.

Things to be happy about:

1) My daughter, She is healthy and here with me.

2) My husband

3) We have a safe house in a safe neighborhood

4) We have a church home

5) working towards life time friends

6) A Dad that loves me

7) A Mom that cares

8) I'm alive

9) Salvation

10) New car



Why they aren't making me happy:

1) I feel like she is bored, I wanna be the best I can be but I think I'm far from that. She wont listen to me

2) I'm finding it hard to get along with him right now. I know he loves me, but Satan has somehow convinced both of us that we are against each other. We can't stop arguing because the other has to be right or is to stubborn to quit.

3) All I ever do is stare at these four walls and it depresses me. I have no energy to get out and do something, or clean most days. I have to constantly ask for help, but I end up doing most of the work. I feel defeated when the mess becomes to much for me to handle alone.

4) Well I love my church, I just hate as soon as I walk out the doors Satan is waiting.

5) I feel like we all want the same things, but nothing is happening. I have been praying for friends for 3 years now and although we have some, I just miss my best friends. I miss being able to feel free to say anything and know she/he understood. I miss being like sisters, I miss everything about the closeness of a friend. Why does it have to be so hard as an adult. I want that kind of friend again

6) I'm still so shy to embrace him, I just wanna be a kid again and spend hours taking to him but I'm still afraid for some reason. It is hard to explain, I think its a feeling that has followed me through my life.

7) She has 24 peoples problems to juggle, I feel like a burden

8) I feel like CRAPOLA!!!!!!!!! I feel like death

9) this is my biggest disappointment, every time I think I'm on the right track and I feel My Fathers presence ever so nearly, by the next day I don't know where he went.

10) I like it so much and its so convenient but its only material



I just can't find the joy anymore. I don't know if my expectations are too high, but I know I'm not even close to half of what I would like to be. What can I do? What should I do? God you told me to take the Jonah challenge, and now what? I'm so lost, hurt, sad and mad. I can't breath and I try to talk to you, but your not there. Where did you go? This is too much lord, did you hear me??? this is too much, back off. I can't push myself anymore, I need you to make it easier. With out you, I'm nothing and I'm holding onto a little hope that you are there. Just say the word and I will be healed


I want to smile again, laugh again, feel free again, be the life of the party again, be more compassionate with my family. I want to feel that Kayla knows I love her more than anything on this earth. I want to be the couple everyone envy's, I want to shine brighter than the brightest stare you've seen.


Lord help me i'm lost for words.... I have little hope and I ask you to take this hope and mold it into something wonderful. Take this life and change it, Move this mountain lord... You are mighty to save, I believe and the sun aint shinning. Take the heaviness away from my chest, lift my spirits.

Please pray for me

Journey Together, Love Jesus, Bring hope to the world