I will Continue to BELIEVE!!!

"How long will my prayers seem unanswered? Is there still faith for me to reach the end? I'm feeling down I'm losing Faith, But giving up will cost me EVERYTHING! So I'll stand in the pain, In the silence and I'll speak to the dark night... I BELIEVE in the sun even when its not shining, I BELIEVE in love even when I don't feel it and I BELIEVE in GOD even when He is silent and I, I believe!!!!"

For the past two weeks I have been failing, shutting down and I have had little faith and hope to make i t through the day. I have literally been in a battle for my life and there have been many tears and feelings of defeat. However I still have some faith and God says that even with faith the size of a mustard seed I can move mountains and that's exactly what I have been doing. It has been so hard for me to open my Bible and study but I wasn't going to let that stop me from talking and praising God, Instead I made a point to have music on during the day to lift my spirits and praise God so I can remember that God has never left me, He still loves me and He is hurting for me like a parent would hurt for their suffering child. The attached song has gotten me by the past week, I have played it constantly just to remind myself that I STILL BELIEVE and that even when I feel like my cry's for healing are going unanswered I WILL STILL BELIEVE and I will make it through this.

How am I feeling now? Well I am okay some days, Happy every other day and REALLY happy once in a while. I am so thankful that I am finally beginning to feel happy again, actually I am beginning to feel things I can't remember when the last time I felt them was. But I am so frustrated because I still have NO focus and I am forgetting EVERYTHING! This is especially hard when I have in my possession a card linked directly to my bank account and Keys that start my car and the list goes on. I know that I am dealing with ADHD and it is so frustrating that it is not being treated right now, But with that being said I have to continuously give this frustration to God because I know that right now we are dealing with the "major" issue, Like my friend told me last night depression can kill me ADHD can't. So I will press on knowing that God has a plan and he writes my days so I better trust in him.

Today at church we had the privilege to have Michael Smally preach and surprisingly, but not really surprisingly, He spoke exactly what I wrote about in my "Not my Name Jesus." post. He even used the Ecclesiastes verses I used. I took this a God telling me directly to my face to remember that I have nothing to do with what the outcome will be, but that I need to forget about me trying to fix things and completely trust that God will do everything for me and all I have to do is listen and follow. Constantly this week I have been crying for God to take this life this situation and lead me, Because of this I have seen improvement and progress and my faith is getting stronger. I will continue to believe and trust in God because I want to do his will and not mine.

Anything God says will be done, Nothing is too small or big for God to overcome and I don't know about you, but as for me I am putting my life in his hands. Wednesday I had my follow up appointment with my Doctor, I prayed all the way to the appointment and as I walked up to the door leading into his office. Unlike the previous week his office staff were so nice and uplifting. I didn't have to wait long at all and When my name was called back, also unlike the previous week, my doctor was to very nice and uplifting. We talked and he did his thing and I left. As I headed to my moms house to pick up The Bear I thanked God for meeting with me during the appointment and Being such and amazing God. I began to praise him and as I turned onto woodlands pkwy I noticed a cluster of Grey clouds but it wasn't the fact that the clouds were Grey that caught my attention. When I looked up what I saw I will never forget, In the middle of this Grey cloud there was light shinning around a very white perfectly shaped heart :-). Seeing this just took my breath away, I KNOW that God was saying he loved me and was very proud of me, he was reminding me that I am dear to his heart and he is with me. As I drove further down the pkwy and was getting closer to passing the cloud it started to vanish, My God sent me a Love note. Little things like this could easily be passed up if one wasn't listening and looking for God to speak to them. I can't imagine loving his less, I love the way he holds me and I just can't live with out him.

This life I am living is for God and God alone! Nothing I ever do is because I had enough strength or energy to do it, each day progress is made its because GOD is giving me that strength and everything I live for and want is to live this life for Jesus Christ. I hope when you look at me, you see Jesus.

Everything is a process and its because God's timing is perfect. God is NEVER late He is always on time, Although he has many opportunities to show up early lol he is always on time.

I Love you Jesus, I am so in love with you and I thank you for your timing and blessings. Even though I walk through the Vally of Death, I fear no evil for I know you are with me Lord Jesus. I owe you everything Jesus so take this heart of mine and Use it for your Kingdom. Thank you for taking the fall for my sins, Let me never forget the price that was paid for my salvation Lord. I will never forget your broken body and the blood that was shed to wash my sins white as snow. Lord take this life, I offer you my whole heart and I will follow you all the days of my life. Amen

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